Forgiveness in Therapy: How Counseling Helps You Release What You're Carrying
You have been told to forgive. Maybe from the pulpit. Maybe from a parent or a counselor or a well-meaning friend. And maybe every time you hear it, something in you tightens — because the forgiveness they are describing does not match what you are carrying.
The hurt is real. The wound is deep. And the idea of forgiving the person who caused it feels like being asked to say it did not matter.
This post is about a different understanding of forgiveness — one that is clinically grounded, theologically honest, and actually possible.
What Forgiveness Actually Is — And What It Is Not
When I work with a client on forgiveness, the first thing I do is ask what forgiveness means to them. Because the word carries different definitions for different people — and when couples are doing this work together, those definitions can be radically different in ways that create significant confusion about what is even being asked.
Here is what forgiveness is, clinically:
Forgiveness is the process of acknowledging the hurt, processing it fully, and then releasing yourself from it. It is about freeing yourself from the hold that the hurt — and the person who caused it — has had on your life. When we do not forgive, we give that pain and that person power over us that they often do not even know they have. Because unforgiveness lives entirely within us. It is not harming them. It is keeping us bound.
Here is what forgiveness is not:
It is not minimizing what happened. It is not letting the person off the hook. It is not pretending the hurt did not matter or that it was not as bad as it was. And critically — it does not require an apology from the person who hurt you. It does not require a conversation with them. It does not even require any contact at all.
Forgiveness is not for the person who hurt you. It is for you.
The Most Common Misunderstanding That Keeps People Stuck
The belief that forgiveness means minimizing the harm or releasing the other person from responsibility is one of the most paralyzing misunderstandings I encounter in therapy.
When a client believes that forgiving means excusing — that moving toward healing will communicate to the person who hurt them, or to themselves, that what happened was acceptable — they stay stuck. Not because they lack the desire to heal, but because they are protecting the legitimacy of their pain. They are refusing to let go because letting go feels like surrender.
But here is the clinical truth: you can fully acknowledge that what happened was wrong — that it was harmful, that it was undeserved, that it left a real mark — and still forgive. The acknowledgment of the hurt is not in opposition to the forgiveness. It is a prerequisite for it.
You cannot forgive what you have not named. You cannot release what you have not yet picked up and examined.
For Christian Clients — The Theological Dimension
For Christians, forgiveness carries additional complexity — because it is not just a psychological concept. It is a theological one, wrapped in the language of covenant, grace, and reciprocity.
Many Christian clients carry a belief that forgiveness is tied to penance — that it requires a certain level of remorse from the person who hurt them before it can be extended. And there is also the awareness that to receive God's forgiveness, one must be willing to extend it — which can turn forgiveness into a spiritual obligation that feels coercive rather than liberating.
Here is what I want Christian clients to hear: forgiveness, in its truest theological form, is not dismissive. It is not lightweight. The forgiveness Christ extends to us was purchased at extraordinary cost — it was not handed over cheaply or without full acknowledgment of what was owed.
And that same gravity is present when you choose to forgive someone who has genuinely harmed you. This is not you saying it did not matter. It is you choosing — at real cost to your own ego, your own sense of justice, your own protective anger — to release the hold that hurt has on you. It is an act of grace and mercy. And it is one you do not take lightly.
Forgiveness is the release. Not the minimization. And it is a release that ultimately frees you — not them.
What Forgiveness Actually Requires Before It Is Possible
One of the most important clinical truths about forgiveness is that you cannot rush to it. It is not the starting place. It is often the end of a long process.
Before forgiveness is clinically possible, several things need to happen first:
Acknowledgment. The hurt has to be named. Fully. Not softened, not spiritualized, not contextualized into something smaller than it actually is. The wound has to be seen clearly before it can be addressed.
Processing. The emotional weight of the hurt — the anger, the grief, the fear, the shame — has to have somewhere to go. It cannot be bypassed or leapfrogged. It has to move through.
Grieving what was lost. Because every significant wound involves a loss — of safety, of trust, of a relationship that was supposed to be one thing and became another, of time, of the person you were before the hurt. That loss deserves to be grieved.
And importantly — when forgiveness work brings up old wounds, it often does. Deep hurts do not exist in isolation. They compile. A current wound may unlock the echo of an older one — a similar betrayal from further back, a pattern that this situation fits into. That is not a detour. That is the actual work.
The goal, at the end of all of this, is a wound that has healed — not an open wound, and not one that has healed over incorrectly. A wound that is truly closed, that does not tear open with every reminder. A scar, not a gash.
That is what forgiveness, done at the right pace, in the right space, actually produces.
What Forgiveness Work Looks Like in Therapy
At BH Counseling Clinic, forgiveness is never forced or rushed. We begin where you are — with what you know of the hurt and what you are ready to acknowledge.
The process looks different for every client. For some, the work begins with giving language to what happened — naming it clearly in a space where it can be received without judgment or minimization. For others, there is significant emotional processing that has to happen before the cognitive work of reframing is even possible. For others still, the grief that surfaces has to be held alongside the forgiveness — because what was lost cannot be rushed past.
For Christian clients who want scripture integrated into this work, we bring it in where it illuminates rather than pressures. Forgiveness in scripture is consistently presented as a release — "forgive as the Lord has forgiven you" — not as a denial of the wrong, but as an act of freedom from its ongoing hold.
Throughout the process, the question is not "have you forgiven yet?" The question is "what do you need to get there?"
To the Person Carrying Something They Have Not Been Able to Put Down
To the person who has been told to forgive and cannot figure out how — who is tired of carrying the weight of it, who has tried to let it go and keeps picking it back up:
Forgiveness is not a switch you flip. It is a process you move through — with the right support, at the right pace, with your full experience of the hurt honored rather than bypassed.
You do not have to minimize what happened to heal from it. You do not have to contact the person, or excuse them, or feel okay about what they did.
You just have to be willing to start. To name it. To bring it into the room.
The rest — the processing, the grieving, the gradual release — that is what we do together.
BH Counseling Clinic is in North Little Rock at 2400 Crestwood Rd, Suite 202. In-person and telehealth available across Central Arkansas.
Schedule your free Clarity Call — in person or via telehealth →Call or text: (501) 283-7879
Frequently Asked Questions
Does forgiveness mean I have to reconcile with the person who hurt me? No. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate things. Forgiveness is an internal process — you can fully forgive someone while maintaining complete distance from them. Reconciliation, if it happens, is a separate decision that depends on many factors including safety, the other person's accountability, and your own readiness.
What if the person who hurt me has never apologized? Forgiveness does not require an apology. It does not require any action from the other person at all. The process of forgiveness is entirely within you — and it is possible regardless of whether the other person has taken responsibility.
Does BH Counseling Clinic accept insurance? BH Counseling Clinic is in-network with Municipal Insurance (MHBF — Municipal Health Benefit Fund). Private pay is also available at $100 per session. Sessions available in-person in North Little Rock and via telehealth across Central Arkansas. Learn more here.
Sources
American Counseling Association (ACA). (2014). ACA Code of Ethics. Alexandria, VA.
Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness Therapy: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. American Psychological Association.
Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Application. Routledge.
Colossians 3:13; Matthew 18:21–22 (NIV)
Luskin, F. (2002). Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness. HarperCollins.